Jess Nash

Brewery employees are generally fine, upstanding people. Especially taproom bartenders, whom we can always depend on to pour a beer for us any day of the week -- whether to celebrate a special occasion or simply kick back after work. But let’s be real: bartenders don’t always tell us the whole truth. They’re not necessarily lying.... Let’s just say that if they were to express their true feelings, they could potentially be perceived as being rude.

We talked with five anonymous taproom bartenders who all admitted that they find themselves saying the same things night after night. And, yep: most of these things tend to be fibs. So the next time you hear a taproom bartender utter any of the following statements, keep in mind that they’re actually -- probably -- thinking something totally different.

The best beer on tap? That’s a tough one.
We both know that no matter what I recommend, you’re going to look it up on Untappd, Beer Advocate, or RateBeer -- so why am I wasting my breath here?

My favorite beer? That’s just as tough.
How about you order a beer and form your own damned opinion?

Okay, this IPA is my favorite beer.
We ran out of my actual favorite beer weeks ago, so I’ll just tell you it’s the IPA that everyone always orders.

This experimental smoked Grodziskie is my favorite beer.
If we don’t kick this gnarly keg of stale, smoked disaster-beer soon, my manager is going to cut my hands off. credits:"Lee Breslouer" align:center

Sure, I know of some late-night spots. There’s a great restaurant down the street.
My friends work at that restaurant down the street, and I’d like for them to stay in business.

Yes, I can split the bill to two different credit cards.
You seriously can’t pay for your Tinder date’s two beers?!

Yes, I can split the bill amongst four different credit cards.
I can do this, but I am going to remember all of your faces. Forever.

I’m sorry, but I can’t split the bill amongst eight different credit cards.
Go fuck yourself. credits:"[Sean MacEntee / Flickr](https://www.flickr.com/photos/smemon/12696032183)" align:center

I’m sorry, but I can’t make you that cocktail.
Unless we end up naming a beer “Vodka,” it will never be behind the bar of this brewery taproom.

We’re releasing the imperial stout at 7AM tomorrow! There’ll be a line, so get here early.
I would not wait more than five minutes for any beer. Especially before 10AM.

Last call is at 1AM.
Why even ask? You can have a beer right now. Don't be so concerned about the future; enjoy the beer that’s in your hands!

Beer is for breakfast around here, drink or be gone.
(This isn’t something any taproom bartender has ever said. It’s an actual quote from the Tom Cruise movie Cocktail, which we just wanted to share with you.)

What’s on tap? Check the tap list on the wall behind me.
HOW DO YOU NOT SEE THE TAP LIST ON THE WALL? IT IS IN YOUR DIRECT LINE OF SIGHT. IT'S THE ENTIRE WALL! THE SIGN LITERALLY SAYS: “BEERS” AND THERE'S A LIST OF BEERS UNDERNEATH IT, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!

credits:"Jess Nash"

I’ve been working here for six months.
I’ve been answering this question for the last six months.

Godfather 2 is my favorite movie.
Godfather 3 is actually my favorite, but I haven’t been able to admit it to anyone, which I’m more ashamed of than anything else in my life.

You know what? I do have the best job.
You know what? I do have the best job.