Picture it: You’ve had a long day -- maybe Joanne in HR microwaved her tuna melt again; maybe your girlfriend is out on a “friend date” with that new dude from Crossfit; maybe your parents finally kicked you off their family plan. All you can think about is getting home, sprawling out in front of MasterChef Junior, and cracking open a cold one. You need a beer that soothes your soul, reassuring you that there is beauty and good in this world and that tomorrow will be a brand new day (with hopefully a brand new beer). But after all you’ve been through, figuring out what kind of beer to drink seems like just another frustrating conundrum.
That’s why I’ve utilized my cosmic powers to find the perfect beer style for your zodiac sign, tailored to your particular celestial needs. Follow these recommendations and you’ll be drinking away your sorrows in no time.
Aries (March 21 - April 20)
Let’s call a spade a spade, here, Aries -- of all the fires signs, you are, by far, the fire-iest. And I’m not just talking about your devilish good looks, mind you. Your boundless energy, relentlessly strong will, inherent intensity, bold fearlessness, and yes, red hot temper, make you the lovable, vivacious person you are. And what better to fuel the flames of a sign named after the Greek god of war than the spiciest style ever created? If you dare -- and you definitely dare -- these pepper-spiked numbers are capable of blowing the taste buds right off your tongue (assuming you can stop talking long enough to take a sip).
Recommended beers: Ballast Point Brewing Co. Habanero Sculpin, Rogue Ales Chipotle Ale, Evil Twin Brewing Fire Water
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Taurus (April 21 - May 20)
Quiet, generous, famously stubborn, teeming with physical and mental strength, and with a great appreciation for history and aesthetic beauty -- you’re a stalwart, Taurus. That’s why your sudsy match is one of history’s most well-respected German classics, a high ABV lager beloved for its subtle depth, time-honored composure, stalwart (there’s that word again!) reliability, and uncompromised recipe. It straight up demands respect. And, much like its drinker, it’s handsome as hell.
Recommended beers: Tröegs Brewing Co. Troegenator Double Bock, Bell's Brewery Consecrator Doppelbock, Brauerei Aying Ayinger Celebrator Doppelbock
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
Why assign you such a punchy, unpredictable palate-tickler, Gem? Simply put, my dude, you’re all over the damn place. Your quick wit, curious mind and naturally chatty disposition charms the pants off everyone around you, sure, but you’re also slave to your own fleeting whims. One minute you’re sweet and the next you’re tart, each flavor resting on layers of unparalleled complexity. And while your scatterbrained ways can often result in greatness, it can just as easily spoil the batch. Let your freak flag fly, friend -- just be sure to keep an eye on those busy bugs battling it out inside.
Recommended beers: New Belgium Brewing Co. Le Terroir, Almanac Beer Co. Dogpatch Sour, Wicked Weed Brewing Black Angel
credits:"Wicked Weed Brewing"
Cancer (June 22 - July 22)
Everyone knows that a Cancer’s best friend is the living room couch. It’s not that you’re lazy, of course, it’s just that you, my crabby pal, crave comfort above anything else. Stability; love; kindness; emotional bonds -- this stuff is your lifeblood. That’s why I’m recommending you cuddle up with a nice, dependable pint of good old fashioned milk stout. Its velvety mouthfeel mirrors that blanket you’re currently swaddled in, and its roasty, chocolatey flavor tastes just like Mom’s burnt caramel brownies. And thanks to its generally low ABV, this is one bottle you can nurse all night long.
Recommended beers: Left Hand Brewing Co. Milk Stout, The Duck-Rabbit Craft Brewery Milk Stout, Keegan Ales Mother’s Milk Stout
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Bière de Garde
Leo: you fancy. Perpetually the smartest, most sophisticated guy in the room, you enjoy basking in the spotlight, accepting praise and admiration wherever you can get it. You are, in essence, a man amongst men -- or woman amongst women -- and thus, deserve a beer on par with your strength, integrity, and...monstrous ego. Copper-hued and imbued with rich, earthy, spicy and fruity notes, and often capped with a cloud-like head of frothy white foam, these wine barrel-aged, Belgian beauties know just how delicious they are -- and they aren’t afraid to flaunt it.
Recommended beers: Jolly Pumpkin Artisan Ales Oro De Calabaza, BFM Abbaye De Saint Bon-Chien, The Lost Abbey Gift Of The Magi
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
As the Zodiac’s resident perfectionist, Virgos are known for running a tight ship. Your knack for organization, emotional restraint, and fondness for neat, orderly environments and detail-oriented thought are what makes you so well suited for a crisp German pils. This clean-as-a-whistle lager is traditionally brewed according to the ancient German purity law, a historic mandate decreeing that all beers consist only of beer’s four primary ingredients: water, hops, malt, and yeast. That means no cost-cutting adjuncts, messy fruit slurries or harebrained experimental additives -- just a flawlessly regimented beer guaranteed to win over your anal retentive little heart.
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Recommended beers: Victory Brewing Co. Braumeister Pils, Ayinger Bavarian Pils, Deschutes Brewery Pine Mountain Pilsner
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
It’s a tough world out there for a Libra, a sign ruled by a constant pursuit of pure harmony. There’s just so much ugliness, injustice, and inequality on this planet, how could one even go on, let alone decide which beer to drink? Don’t fret, you indecisive softy. I got you. As someone who clearly seeks balance in everything you do, feel, touch, see, and, yes, taste, the heavenly Belgian saison is your ideal imbibable. The style’s elegant hop aromas, effervescent body, and creamy white head will appeal to your artistic side, satisfying your ravenous appetite for physical, spiritual, and aesthetic beauty, while its flavor profile -- a delicate middle ground between bitter and sweet, spicy and citrusy, sessionable and boozy, earthy and fruity -- represents everything you need in this cruel, cruel world.
Recommended beers: Brewery Ommegang Hennepin, Stillwater Artisanal Cellar Door, Brasserie Dupont Saison Dupont
Scorpio (October 23 - November 22)
You like to live your life out loud, Scorp, surrounding yourself with a never ending string of lovers, doggedly striving toward your goals and engaging in heated debates whenever you can. But beneath your bewitching outer charm lies layer upon layer of rich, unbridled emotion, bubbling up to the surface in the form of dramatic, often possessive outbursts that spare no transgressor. Like you, the inimitable Imperial Stout is big, bold, and brooding, overflowing with unrestrained flavor, mouthwatering complexity, and explosive potency. Go ahead, have a couple -- just remember that sharing is caring, OK?
Recommended beers: Evil Twin Imperial Biscotti Break, Prairie Artisan Ales Bomb!, Great Divide Brewing Co. Chocolate Oak Aged Yeti
credits:"Great Divide Brewing Co."
Sagittarius (November 23 - December 21)
Outgoing, friendly, passionate, energetic, and intellectual, you mythical Centaurs are fun-loving wanderers, forever roaming the hills in search of the next great adventure. That’s why the IPA, with its ever-evolving definition, myriad styles, and crowd-pleasing nature, is basically the alcohol version of you, Sag. From its malty English beginnings to its most recent hazy, mimosa-like state, this unstoppably popular style has shifted forms almost as many times as you’ve changed your hairstyle...today.
Recommended beers: Green Flash Brewing Co. West Coast IPA, Cigar City Brewing Jai Alai, 10 Barrel Brewing Co. Maine Squeeze
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Driven, ambitious, loyal, self-possessed, and highly organized, you, dear Cap, thirst for a beer that can help you shoot straight to the top of your game. Make some room in your busy schedule to sip on a coffee porter. It’s an energizing brew that opens with a sharp, nutty aroma to awaken the senses, followed by a warming, medium-bodied smoothness that’ll make it go down nice and quick. Arm yourself with one of these pleasantly invigorating babies and you’ll be back to plotting your world takeover in no time.
Recommended beers: Two Brothers Artisan Brewing Red Eye Coffee Porter, Sixpoint Brewery Gorilla Warfare, Midnight Sun Brewing Co. Arctic Rhino
Aquarius (January 21 - February 19)
You, Aquarius, are as unconventional as you are graceful, a hippie at heart with a back-to-the-land sentiment and a head in the clouds. Like you, wheat beers come in all shapes and sizes, but you all share the same peachy disposition, hearty makeup, calm, creative nature, and sweet, immutable inner softness. You both also look (and smell) fantastic with the addition of some bright floral notes.
Recommended beers: Bell’s Brewery Oberon Ale, 3 Floyds Brewing Co. Gumballhead, Schlafly Beer Hefeweizen
Pisces (February 20 - March 20)
You’re a drinker, my fishy friend, that’s for sure. But you’re also a feeler, sitting quietly off to the side, venturing further and further into a choppy ocean of liquid emotion. Keep the waterworks at bay by submerging yourself in one of these tart German classics, perfectly suited for the nautically-minded. With each crashing sip, a brisk, uplifting wave of sweet malt and sour citrus washes over your palate, and then quickly ebbs away, leaving a sprinkling of cool, drying salt in its wake.
Recommended beer: Westbrook Brewing Co. Gose, Off Color Brewing Troublesome, Almanac Golden Gate Gose
Note: Wicked Weed Brewing and 10 Barrel Brewing Co. are members of The High End, owned by Anheuser-Busch.