Look, the two of us are beer nerds. We’re not ashamed of it; we’re not gonna try to hide it. But we’re also self-aware enough to realize that we can sometimes be -- how do we put this? -- insufferable dicks.
You’re nodding your head right now. Clearly, you have some beer-loving friends like us.
With that said, if you were to lump all of us beer nerds into a group, you’d miss the delectable flavors and intoxicating individual notes that make up the wonderful rainbow of -- jeez, we’re doing it again, aren’t we? Can’t fucking help ourselves.
Our point is that there’s no universal mold for a beer nerd. Some are pretty damned annoying -- but others can be a great hang. So we’d like to break down the community and highlight some of the most common types so that the next time you cross paths with a beer nerd, you’ll be better equipped to either run for the hills or shout “cheers!” (Fingers crossed for the latter.)
Everything seems crazy to this easily impressed nerd, who’s brand new to the game. Coconut Porter? “Insane!!” Sour ale? “Who knew??” Wheat beer? “This is OUT OF CONTROL.” (Note to fellow beer geeks: go easy on ‘em -- we all started this way.)
Want to become an Instagrammer beer nerd? Step one: open a beer. Step two: take a blurry, poorly lit picture of it from your kitchen. Step three: post it online along with a “witty” caption only 5% of your friends will understand. (Guilty as charged.)
The Nerd Who Has No Idea What He’s Talking About
Despite sounding more confident than anyone when talking about beer, this nerd seems to know the least. Did he just describe that gruit as “hoppy?” Did he pronounce Chimay as “chimney”? And isn’t that a wine cooler he’s drinking?
Not only is the Hoarder aging rare Russian imperial stouts, but also cans of fresh-hopped beer she’s already forgotten about in her fridge. Wading through all of the beer labels and bottle caps in her living room might just be worth it if you can get her to open that bottle of 2012 KBS…
credits:"[Bernt Rostad / Flickr](https://www.flickr.com/photos/brostad/8186752679)" width:800 align:center
In lieu of explaining what this nerd is like, here’s a sampling of comments from one on an unnamed beer rating site:
"This beer was great!! 10/10!"
"Ehhhh, not really my thing, but on point for the style. 10/10!"
"This straight up tastes like dogshit-soaked shoe polish. 10/10!"
The Meme-er religiously follows @DontDrinkBeers and constantly posts beer memes to her Facebook and Instagram feeds. It's clear that she loves the culture -- but does she even drink beer?
The Hardcore Festivalgoer
Sunscreen? Check. Pretzel necklace? Check. Tasting glass? Check. Orthopedic shoes for standing in long lines in order to try every single rare beer at the festival? Check. Rather than simply hanging out and drinking beer for fun, the H.F. treats festivals more like a super-competitive scavenger hunt for obsessives.
credits:"[Aberro Creative / Flickr](https://www.flickr.com/photos/aberrocreative/18865012838)"
Clearly, no one knows as much as The Snob does. NO ONE. Also, why are you drinking that shit beer when you could have...something else? You’ll know you’re hanging out with The Snob when a beer arrives, because all conversation must cease so that he can give a five minute mini-dissertation about its malt bill.
Drinking craft beer is fine, but arguing about beer on the internet offers this nerd far more enjoyment. And boy, does he have opinions! So, so, so many opinions. All of them are valid, important, and correct, of course -- 100% of the time.
Holy hell, did this person get quad implants? Nope, The Cyclist just bikes from taproom to taproom no matter how many states might lie in between.
The Over-It Guy
This dude’s been drinking craft beer since before you were born. And trust him: it’s all terrible now.
The Untappd Whiz
A cousin of The Comparer, the Untappd whiz drinks solely for the check-ins. Sometimes he doesn’t even drink the beer (GASP!). He accumulates badges, desperately searching for the respect of his beer loving peers that will never, ever come. Pray for him.
The Secret Nerd
Orders a lager to play it cool in front of non-beer nerds; actually dying for a bottle-conditioned Belgian bière de garde.
There is not a beer in the world that The Comparer would fail to look up on Beer Advocate before drinking. I mean, would you let a beer rated less than 90 touch your lips? Inconceivable!
The Master Cicerone
Don't fuck with this one.
I mean, you made it to the end of this. How are we now supposed to talk shit about such a wonderful beer nerd as yourself?