“Millennials are killing the beer industry.”
That’s the claim Business Insider made earlier this year. And if it were just Business Insider claiming this, we could probably shrug it off. But this isn’t just one isolated claim -- plenty of articles in other publications are touting the same sort of thing: “Millennials don’t drink beer…and they probably never will!!”
Well, that sort of defeatist attitude isn’t how we do things here at The Beer Necessities. We just think it’s going to take a little bit of time, elbow grease, and a few good ideas to get millennials to love beer like we do.
Here are a few inventions we came up with that’ll get millennials to drink beer.
Everyone loves a good Snapchat filter (except for investors, who’ve punished the stock 44.57% YTD). It’s time for Snap, Inc. to feature a face filter -- for adult users only, obviously -- that makes it look like you’re drinking a beer. And even better, it’d plaster a smile on your face and surround you with the faces of your Snapchat friends. This is such a good idea, we expect Snapchat to implement this within the next three to six days. Or...they could stick with making you look like a pig, a dog, or an angel. But how’s that been working out for them? Boom, roasted.
Six packs are now iPhone charging stations
The downside of being constantly connected, as millennials tend to be, is that you’re always in need of an outlet to charge your phone. I remember when I saw this $225 piece of luggage from Away with a charging station in it, I felt an urge. “I need one of those,” I thought to myself. Imagine you’re a millennial out for the night, whose iPhone X is deathly low on battery because you’ve been taking photos of yourself with the beer bottle filter in Snapchat. Now imagine if cases of beer were to include a portable battery for charging. A six-pack would mean six more hours of phone time. And hey, while you’re waiting for your phone to charge, you might as well have a beer, right?
The beer that checks in for you
Convincing everyone you know that you’re having a good time without them is the point of the internet. But it usually takes work. You have to take the perfect picture and write a clever caption. And who the hell likes to work? No one. That’s why if you buy beer and give your bartender your phone number, the beer will automatically check into the beer on Untappd for you as soon as it’s dispensed from the tap. And even better, it will post a picture of the beer to your Instagram along with a caption written by professional comedians! This is all the enjoyment of beer without any of the (social media) strings attached.
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A brewery staffed entirely by robots
Millennials don’t like dealing with people. There’s a reason robots are taking over the restaurant industry. What about a brewery taproom that doesn’t have a single person working behind the bar? There’s already technology to let people pour their own beers at drinking establishments. All we need now are breweries to fund technology that will scan IDs and take credit cards, and millennials will never have to talk to a single person they don’t know. The first brewery to implement this technology will be a huge hit. I’ve been to a restaurant like this in San Francisco and I thought it’d be cold and impersonal. It ended up being an inexpensive, convenient dining experience. Granted, it’ll be tough for all those people going to breweries specifically to tell their problems to bartenders...
It’s no secret that all people (not just millennials) love to feel like they’re important. And that people will pay extra for exclusive products or experiences. Now, a ton of breweries out there -- especially those in the NYC area -- already use this model. They release beers that people line up for early in the morning, and they often sell out before everyone in line can get one. But we’re thinking that’s not exclusive enough.
Breweries should release certain beers that only one person is allowed to buy. Part of what I love about beer is that it’s generally affordable, and fun to drink with other people. But I’ll admit that sometimes, when I get my hands on a beer that’s hard to find and a tad pricier than the norm, it can tastes...better. Admittedly, there’s an allure to it that “regular” beer lacks. So imagine buying a beer that your favorite brewery only brewed for you. And sure, you can share it with friends. But it’s a unique experience no one else can have other than you and your friends.
Now, once a brewery figures out how to get a robot to serve it to you and automatically post about it to Instagram? Millennials won’t be able to control themselves.