Marrying the love of your life on a beach or under a canopy in the woods is old hat. (Sorry, everyone I went to college with!) These days, all of the cool kids are getting married in breweries. And hey, it makes sense: taprooms are already for hanging out and partying with friends -- so why not host a wedding at one with those same pals, a few draught lines, and your distant cousins that you couldn’t pick out of a lineup?
Which got us thinking: considering how great breweries are for weddings, there must be other milestones that would benefit just as much from being celebrated in taprooms. Here are a few such life events that we feel fall into this category:
Grab your doula and head to the brewery to have your next baby! Any woman who has just endured labor (and her supportive, traumatized partner) deserves a beer for enduring the grueling process of ushering new life into the world. Plus, breweries already have drainage systems in place, which should make cleanup a snap! Best of all, once the child becomes an adult and turns 21, he or she can have a drink at the brewery in which he or she was born! (Though that kid will probably be back sooner than that.)
Recommended beer: Alpine Beer Co. Hoppy Birthday
credits:"[Irene G. Ruiz / Flickr](https://www.flickr.com/photos/irenegruiz/4051263576)" align:center
Cutting off a newly born baby boy's foreskin in front of friends and family is a longstanding Jewish tradition. If reading that sentence made you uncomfortable, imagine how the baby feels. (Not to mention the friends and family gathered to watch!) Everyone but the baby could use a cold beer to take the edge off of witnessing such a painful ritual, and no place has a greater supply than a brewery. (I mean, I assume it's painful.... I've blocked that experience out altogether.)
Recommended beer: Tröegs Independent Brewing First Cut
Divorcing your spouse
They say that 50% of all marriages end in divorce, but in reality -- it’s actually more like 25%. And we think that those 25% of married couples should get divorced in a brewery. Divorces can be contentious, but it’s hard to argue with your ex- if you’re sitting in New England Brewing Co’s taproom and enjoying a 668 The Neighbor of the Beast. The beer name is so funny, that you can’t even be mad at the person you blame for ruining your 30s! Invite your lawyer, sign the papers over a pint or two, and raise a glass to not having to deal with the other person’s shit anymore! Later, Claire -- it’s been real!
Recommended beer: New England Brewing Co. 668 The Neighbor of the Beast
You know what? Perhaps enjoying a beer or two with your estranged spouse Claire is just what you needed to bring the spark back into your marriage. Get back together! What could possibly go wrong? (Other than losing more precious time to someone who wasn’t right for you in the first place?) Claire will see that you’ve changed, especially if you take her back to the same brewpub she accused you of hitting on the server years ago. But you totally didn’t! Claire will finally understand!
Recommended beer: Austin Beerworks Peacemaker
Losing your virginity
Just kidding. Please don’t have sex in a brewery. Obviously, a much better place for that would be in a car parked behind the brewery, where you won’t get caught!
Recommended beer: Evil Twin Brewing How You Do Anything Is How You Do Everything IPA
Quitting a job
Getting fired from a job is no fun. But quitting a job can be one of the most fun (legal) things you can do in the modern world. And you can leave it to beer to make a joyful event even more joyous. If you’re ready to move on from your current employer, invite all of your colleagues for happy hour drinks at your local brewery. Gather your soon-to-be-former coworkers ‘round, and proclaim, “I’d like to propose a toast to my horrible boss, and this shitty job that I’m quitting tonight!” Your boss will likely shout “Dang it!” while waving their fist in the sky, but you’ll be revered and carried around on everyone’s shoulders like Rudy from Rudy. Then you can go home to Claire and your new life.
Recommended beer: Brewery 85 Quittin’ Time
I’ve only ever seen Irish funerals on TV (The Wire made them look like a grand old time!), but they always seem to take place in bars. Well, a brewery is a more fitting setting for a funeral that more people should consider. People love to drink and sing in breweries. So why not also head to a brewery when it’s time to take one last look into your grandpa’s eyes before sending his corpse down into the dark, cold hereafter? ….But first, order yourself a 15% ABV barleywine. Or two.
Recommended beer: Goose Island Beer Co. Bourbon County Brand Barleywine Ale 2017
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Note: Goose Island Beer Co. is a member of The High End, owned by Anheuser-Busch.