Biersafe

When the Apocalypse arrives (warning signs: Netflix runs out of original show ideas; the Lions win the Super Bowl; Amazon buys the entire U.S. government) many of us will turn within, seeking solace in the things that comfort us most. Beloved family, friends, pets, and iPhones will be hugged tightly; the throngs of #FoodPorn photos will act as our portal to another, saner dimension. We will close the blinds and double down on Blue Apron orders. And, of course, we will drink.

Nothing is more comforting than your favorite cold beer plucked from the fridge, cracked and poured as you nestle into an evening of Facebook stalking and small talk with your significant other. Nothing, that is, than the knowledge that if the unthinkable were to happen, and Mother Earth -- having had enough at last -- were to shut down for business, you’d be the only person on the block who still had cold beer. As everything crashes down around you in a slow-motion montage of flames and dust, you won’t panic or cry -- you’d head to the backyard with a smile and a bottle opener.

This would mean, of course, that you’re the proud and prophetic owner of a Biersafe, the future of bucolic beer cooling. Gone are the days when keeping beverages cold cost money and depended on pesky electricity. Your favorite brews are now chilling four feet underground.

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Biersafe is the beer gadget that you don’t really need, but will totally want -- if for nothing more than its shock value at your next BBQ. Essentially, it’s a plastic tube you slide 43 inches into the ground, designed to perfectly house a cylindrical rack that can either hold 16 or eight bottles of beer, depending on the size purchased (i.e. Classic, or “The Little Brother”). And in case you’re wondering, yes: The German company will totally rent you a hand auger for about $80 -- though a gardening hoe and a few hours of manual labor ought to do the trick, too. When you’re done, simply cover the top with the handy artificial grass cover ($18), and rest easy knowing your annoying neighbor Ted will be none the wiser.

Subsequent beer excavation, the website says, is simple. “With one hand you take the Biersafe, with the other the chilled beer and open it with the integrated bottle opener.” Sounds easy enough. The trick will be timing it so the maximum amount of people can witness how awesome you are.

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There are myriad advantages to installing a Biersafe in a grass patch near you. For one, it’ll clear out precious fridge space for more “food stuffs.” It could save you the cost (and shame?) of running that mini fridge from college that you still keep squirreled away in the garage. And undoubtedly, it will act as a major conversation point when the in-laws are over for dinner and your father-in-law asks for a cold one. And at about $120 for the large model and $65 for the small, it’s no bank-breaker, but a savvy investment, plain and simple.

“Whether well-hidden in the garden under the flowerpot or prominently placed next to the grill, the Biersafe is the highlight for your next garden party,” the website assures.

If you must find a downside here, I suppose you could argue that everything I just mentioned is total rubbish and there is absolutely zero need for anyone to own a subterranean backyard beer tube. Plus, who drinks beer from bottles anymore, anyway? Not I. But I might if I had a special underground spot to store them out of Ted’s sight.

This all leads us to one simple but pivotal question, a quandary that could stop even the most steadfast Biersafe hopeful dead in her tracks: What if I don’t have a yard? That’s a fair question. And as a city-dweller myself, I reached out to the company and asked what a guy in the middle of Boston is supposed to do with a Biersafe when he only has a sidewalk and a second-floor deck.

“Take your time out of the city and visit a friend in the green with a Biersafe :-),” Jens Meyer, one of the founders, told me. (Smiley face emphasis his, not mine.) “But maybe, you take this one in the meantime,” said Meyer, directing me to this Amazon link. Apparently, Biersafe makes a balcony version, too, perfect for cooling eight bottles of beer while acting as a chic side table, planter, or ashtray.

So how does it keep beer cold, you might still be wondering? I don’t know, man -- ice, maybe? Stop asking so many questions.