Sailors have always had dozens of drinking songs -- but times have changed, and they're not the only workers who need a drink at the end of a long day. Here are 13 professions of the present day accompanied by 13 proposed drinking songs, cheers, and lamentations.

The #Instafamous

Ooooooooooh an IPA's what's trending,
my palate will retweet,
and when that trend is ending,
how ‘bout a vodka neat?

A lager gets a Snapchat;
A sour earns a story.
Wearing a lampshade for a hat,
Keeps the views a’pouring.

Now film me from my good side
While I drink out of the boot.
Use a filter that makes me cute!

Cryptocurrency Traders

The market opens and we’re on top,
The market closes and we’re on top-er,
So crack open the Heady Topper!

Oh the price will rise, and the price will fall
Not for precious Bitcoin though,
Which rises throughout all!

Get in early, hold on tight,
that’s how you trade e-currency!
It’s the happy hour of our delight,
We’re cats at peak purrency!

A penny for your thoughts,
But a bitcoin for mine!
Could you buy this round though?
All my money’s online.

credits:"[Francis Storr / Flickr](" align:center

Axe Body Spray's Lead Researcher and Developer

Iffn’ you please:

There once was a boy, feeble and weak,
Who the girls would shun or kick with their feet.
So he learned to speak French and he got super tan,
Started fighting off dragons and became a man.
But still no heads turned, ‘til he Axed himself proper,
and so he learned: Axe maketh the jaw dropper.

We’ve done our research, you can smell the results!
Bombard your body with our new catapults!

Pony up at the bar and drink something spicy,
Something that accents your badass quite nicely.

There’s a line out the door but don’t be mistaken,
They’re lined up for you. “Is this seat taken?”

Cause you smell like a fist! Or the 8th sea’s mist!
Fighting odor’s battalion on a souped-up stallion!

At checkout use promo code: ‘GOD-SCENT’ to save
On select products, forty percent today!

Mommy Bloggers

Everyone’s got a mommy,
From the pauper to the prince,
And if you follow all our blogs
You’ll learn the difference.
For we are the mommy bloggers, HEY!
The progenitors and the proud!
Once conceived, we’ve got you covered
Cause it’s about to get loud.

Now relevance is always key
But babes don’t long stay young.
To best run a postpartum blog
Just make another one.
But for now, since we’re not pregnant
And we can drink ag’in,
Instead of craving chocolate,
We’re really craving gin!

Blacksmiths (but like modern ones who make chandeliers and shit instead of swords)

God, we wish we were making swords!
Instead of chandeliers and shit.
Whoa ho, swords are cool
and, whoa what a pity,
chandeliers are shitty.

credits:"[cogito ergo imago / Flickr]("


Take up the coder’s burden
In Java, Python, and C++
We’re Silicon Valley’s Tyler Durden
But a lot more of a wuss, wuss.

Our code is sexy, even fecund!
Cause we microdose, and never tire.
We’ve all got startups you should fund;
Our IQs are high but our rent is higher.

Way, hey, but until we be billionaires,
Spot us $12.50 for these low-calorie beers.


The dawn doth not rush to day
Nor the turtle on his way,
And in that vein, we sip our sherry,
Patiently waiting to be merry.
Us DJs are a subtle bunch:
Treading eggshells on winged feet.
And then, like an angel’s punch

And then we slam shotzaza!
Chug Henny on da rockzaza!
Drink til’ we die and make money all da time!
Then mo’ shotz when we dead!
Spit fire, molten lead!
Cause we ain’t stopping til the club burns down!!
So we don’t leave no tip, tho we loaded. Pop! Lock!
The melody comes around!

And from the ashes of the club,
the phoenix is born anew
Taking his sweet time,
As life’s tender song drifts from me to you.

credits:"[possan / Flickr]("

Bing Employees

Oh! Oh! Who are we kidding?
We’re a glorified Ask Jeeves!
Truth is a sharpened blade
And ours live in sheathes.

We can’t answer your questions,
Nor give you a sign.
You’ve better luck searching
the bottom of your stein.

But friend us on Myspace,
And Google our name.
Search! We mean search!
Not that other thang!

Improv Troupes

(Oh, you make it up.)

Whoever Runs Wendy's Twitter Account

(Solo Ballad)

My clap backs are savage and killer,
Ice cold, like a FruiTea Chiller.
Over here, we grill ya with ease
cause we don't freeze our beef patties.

I’m a bit of a nerd, I’m a bit of a square
But it’s better than a circle, I swear.
Come get some freshness but don’t get fresh with me
Cause we’ll come at you fresher, me and my girl Wendy.

Straight with no chaser, that’s how I burn
I’m here to school ya, I hope that you learn.

credits:"[Mike Mozart / Flickr]("

Whoever Sells Juice at $14 a Bottle

Let us drink to murder,
‘cause we get away with it!
Let's buy out the whole top shelf
We can easily afford it!

Cause berries these days are a dime a dozen
And that’s no exaggeration.
So when we charge you fourteen dollars
It goes toward our vacation.

Oh, what a good time to be in juice:
The water of the wealthy!
To be so blatantly ripped off
Has got to be unhealthy.

The ingredients are on the bottle,
Are you going blind?!
You could make it cheap at home yourself,
But you don’t, and we don’t care why!

Janitors at CERN's Hadron Collider

17 miles of circuit, which a proton might travel
11,245 times a second. But not so the janitors.
We do no bumping, no grinding
No whirling, no colliding.

(Chorus) The particles have all the fun
The scientists get all the credit
And we’re left with all the rest.
That is to say, just the mess.

In Switzerland’s CERN, the only concern
Is getting the particles flying.
Then the particles get to go home to their wives
While we sweep up black holes, at the risk of our lives.


For those of us left a’cleaning
we sing a song of meaning:
That we'd drink until spasm
If only we were paid by the atom!

OH! For those of us left a’cleaning
we sing a song of meaning:
That we'd drink until spasm
If only we were paid by the atom!!