You know that scene in Office Space where Jennifer Aniston quits because she’s sick of being told to wear 37 pieces of flair? And then she gives her boss the finger?! I was just fired from a job I had for over five years, and my departure was far less exciting. Jennifer Aniston wasn’t even at the meeting where I was given my walking papers. But you know what? I’m cool with it, because beer makes everything better.
That’s right: I may no longer be employed, but upon hearing the news, I had the good sense to immediately put beer to work for me. Here are nine such beers that will hopefully help you through getting fired, too.
The beer to drink before you leave a long message on your old boss’s voicemail
Crazy Mountain Lawyers, Guns, and Money
Barleywine-style ale, 10% ABV
If you’re going to muster up the courage to give your boss a piece of your mind at 3AM on a school night, you better drink something strong. And this high-ABV barleywine-style beer from Edwards, CO fits the bill. The beer’s description warns to be “cautious” with this beer because “overindulgence can result in the sh*t hitting the fan.” Since it’s already hit the fan, what do you have to lose by telling him he was a horrible manager with no people skills? Nothing! Suck it, Stan!
The beer to drink to remember the good times
Ballast Point Mango Even Keel
Session IPA, 3.8% ABV
You can’t afford a trip to San Diego now that your severance is running out, but you can still trick your tastebuds into thinking you’re on a beach. This beer is perfect because it’s mellow, fruity, and you can drink a few of them without switching into rage mode and wanting to leave Stan another message on his voicemail. Stan never respected you! Instead, you can reminisce about the great times, like when your coworkers had that one raging holiday party. Remember happiness?
The beer to drink while you look for a new job
Devils Backbone Morning Bear
Coffee-Infused Imperial Stout, 9.1% ABV
When you don’t have a job, you have to wake up in the morning and force yourself to look for one. And since no one is looking over your shoulder anymore, you can do it with a beer in your hand. So why not grab a chocolatey coffee stout and cruise the job boards? Yeah, it’s depressing. But at least you don’t have to listen to Stan drone on and on about his son who just won the Science Olympiad. We get it, Stan, your kids are smart.
The beer to drink before you send a “goodbye” email to all your former co-workers
Avery Vanilla Bean Stout
Stout, 10.8% ABV
You need to a beer to drink while you compose the perfect note to your coworkers: conciliatory, but still upbeat. You liked everyone but Brenda. When you think about it, Brenda was never really nice to you. She said she was going to give you the heads up if she heard about layoffs, but did she? No. No she did not. Brenda just does what Brenda does, which is protect herself! Luckily this stout goes down easy, with delicious vanilla notes to boot. It doesn’t make the pain go away from Brenda’s betrayal, but at least it tastes good. Are she and Stan a thing? Maybe.
The beer to drink while you look for a smaller apartment
Trader Joe’s Name Tag Lager
Lager, 5% ABV
When you get downsized, you’ve got to downsize your lifestyle, too. This TJ’s beer can usually be found for $3 a six-pack. Can’t argue with 50 cents per can! What you can argue with is this Craigslist listing for an apartment that clearly shows a cockroach on the kitchen floor. You know, maybe if Brenda would’ve fought to keep you in the company, this crap wouldn’t have happened…. Drinking this six-pack is essential to biting the bullet and paying to share an apartment with a family of cockroaches. The apartment Stan keeps for him and Brenda to smooch in after work is probably nicer than this place, but this is a fairly passable lager, so it doesn’t bother you.
The beer to drink when you sell your car for rent money
Founders All Day IPA
India Pale Ale, 4.7% ABV
Your car was a little different from the station wagon on the label of Founders’ classic, eminently drinkable session IPA. It feels good to raise one to the pickup truck you sold to that sheisty used car salesman. Besides, the city bus is just as good as that pickup, even though it only comes once an hour. Or sometimes not at all. Who needs a commute, anyways? You’d rather work from home and be able to drink this grassy, citrusy-tasting perfection all day from nine to five. I mean, it’d be tough to work if you drank too many of these, but whatever. Frickin’ Stan has half of a working brain cell, and he still has a job, that dumbass….
Double IPA, 8% ABV
Lagunitas Sucks is a Double IPA with tropical fruit notes and smile-inducing hoppiness. Stan also Sucks and he does not make you smile. Stan is a leech. He takes credit for the work of his employees who work their ass off while he sits in his stupid corner office and gets promoted for doing nothing. NOTHING. What the hell has he even done?!
The beer to drink when your wife leaves you because you complain a lot about certain people
Terrapin The Walking Dead
India Pale Ale, 7.7% ABV
It’s cool that your favorite TV show linked up with an Athens, Georgia, brewery to make a blood orange IPA that’s now available in cans, too. You’ll also get plenty of grapefruit flavors in this one, which slightly mitigate the fact that your wife left you. Yes, you’ll miss Jen. But didn’t she just leave you in your darkest moment? She doesn’t understand what Stan did to you, or how Brenda betrayed your trust. You feel like a zombie these days, walking from job interview to job interview, so you might as well drink a beer based on a TV show about ‘em.
The beer to drink to accept your new, jobless life
New Glarus Serendipity
Sour, 4% ABV
A dose of funk and cherries in your beer from one of the best breweries in the country is just what you need to feel good about everything. And because you can’t predict the future any better than you can predict when you’re going to hit the lottery, maybe this was all meant to be. Perhaps it’s even serendipitous? Stan and Brenda can’t hurt you in your new efficiency apartment in Appleton, Wisconsin. You’ve got a new job that doesn’t pay as much, but it’s certainly less stressful. And this beer’s pretty friggin’ great. Who makes fruit beers like this anywhere else? And who doesn’t love a Wisconsin sunrise, either?
Maybe beer does make everything okay.
Note: Devils Backbone is a member of The High End, owned by Anheuser-Busch.